Six Steps to Forgiveness

Can you really forgive anyone for anything?  My guest Lisa Gibson, Author of Releasing the Chains says "YES!"  No matter what the insult, betrayal or injury, you can forgive.  It truly comes down to the reasons why. 

So why would you want to forgive someone who has done you wrong? Especially after they have hurt you so deeply.  You couldn't possibly imagine "letting them off the hook." Although the pain may be very real, and all that you truly want is for the person to "pay for it."  It is important to understand that forgiveness is not for the "perpetrator," although that is a wonderful side effect;  forgiveness is for you.

How does forgiving another help you?  There are many wonderful benefits according to the Mayo Clinic " Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for compassion, kindness and peace. Forgiveness can lead to healthier relationships, greater spiritual and psychological well-being, less anxiety, stress and hostility, lower blood pressure, fewer symptoms of depression and lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse."

Physiological benefits are one way to reap the rewards of forgiveness.  However the spiritual benefits are tremendous.  Allowing peace, compassion and grace to enter your life have untold rewards.  In essence you are no longer allowing the actions of others to control you and in effect your future.  One of my favorite quotes regarding resentment and unforgiveness expresses the effects on your life. "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." — Malachy McCourt. 

Many believe that to forgive means that you accept the behavior, and or that you must reconcile.  This is not the case.  Reconciliation is something that can take place, if you choose.  However if there is a risk of continued injury then the relationship is better left dissolved.  The action of forgiveness in essence releases the chains that keep you stuck in negative, destructive thoughts and behaviors.

So how does one begin to forgive?  Author Lisa Gibson a conflict coach and attorney finds this approach to be very effective:

                                            Six Stages of Forgiveness

1. Identify the True Source of the Hurt of Pain - What am I really upset about?
2. Validate the Hurt - I have every right to feel this way because...
3. Grieve the Loss - Cry, yell or any other response you feel necessary.
4. Confront the Offender - In person (if it is safe) or by letter telling them how you feel.
5. Forgive - Decide to let to of the negative energy for good.
6. Let "Heavens Court" Provide the Justice - If the offender is non-repentant or you just can't seem to let go, hand it over to God/Heaven or whatever your beliefs are and leave any retribution to him/her. If you really want to go the extra mile, bless them and wish them well.

So an example of this process would be: Sally's co-worker who is also her friend, tells Sally's boss a lie that could cost Sally her job.  Sally is very upset at her co-worker and wants revenge.  Sally realizes that it is better to take the high road and decided to try to forgive her co-worker.  Sally identifies the source of her anger.  She feels betrayed and can no longer trust her co-worker. Sally acknowledges to herself that "Anyone in her position would feel the same way." Sally spends the next several weeks feeling the hurt, anger and disappointment.  Sally decides to speak with her co-worker and let her know how she was hurt.  Her co-worker seems truly sorry about what happened and explains that she was jealous and didn't mean to have everything turn out so seriously.  Sally decides to forgive her, but is having a hard time forgetting and cries still at the thought of it.  Sally realizes that she needs help letting go and asks God to take over.

This is just one example of many different scenarios that could play out.  The essence is that although it may seem impossible to forgive and move forward in your life, it can be as simple as taking that first step. The important part is that you do take a step.  What you will find is once you have made the decision to move forward, forgiveness is right around the corner.

If you would like to hear the full interview with Author Lisa Gibson visit our website at: http://passionandpurposeradio.com/archived-shows/

Six Simple Words That Can Save Your Marriage

"Honey, you're so good to me" are the words our recent guest Author Kimberly Pryor says can save your marriage.  But is it really that simple?  What do these words mean?  In essence what these words invoke are a version of a gratitude journal. 

Is being grateful really all that important to the health and well being of your marriage? According to popular psychology, "studies show that gratitude not only can be deliberately cultivated but can increase levels of well-being and happiness among those who do cultivate it. In addition, grateful thinking—and especially expression of it to others—is associated with increased levels of energy, optimism, and empathy."

In essence what Kimberly suggests is to create a relationship journal listing all of the qualities, actions and words of your partner and how they make you feel loved, cared for and appreciated.  Gratitude journals have been around for some time and are a wonderful way to "remind us" of the many things we have in our lives.  In addition gratitude journals help us to reflect on the life we have lived thus far and can be a catalyst for change in stagnant relationships. 

What if you relationship is stagnant, or worse on the brink of divorce? The most critical aspect of any relationship is communication.  Often times couples slowly start to drift apart, allowing children, family and friends to take precedence.  Before they know it, communication is centered around everyone else, leaving the health of the relationship in jeopardy.  Using the "six simple words" to start a journal can be a starting point.  Even if the only person who reads it is you.  Recognizing the reasons you fell in love with your partner and the qualities they possess are a great way to get back on the road to recovery. 

Once the words are written, they gain energy that can grow if cultivated.  Each time your partner does something you like or even love, write it down.  Each morning re-read the notes you have written until you have the courage to speak them aloud to your partner. If you are unable to speak them aloud, try writing them on a note and leaving it for your spouse to find.  You might be surprised at their response.  Very few couples take the time to honor each other, expecting that their partner "knows how I feel about them." Don't make the mistake of assumption, tell them how much they mean to you.

Maintaining a healthy relationship requires commitment, much like living a healthy lifestyle.  If you want to be fit, you must eat healthy and exercise.  If you want a vibrant relationship, you must nourish and cultivate it.  Keeping a relationship gratitude journal is a great place to start.


If you would like to hear the full interview with Author Kimberly Pryor visit our website at: http://passionandpurposeradio.com/archived-shows/