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Six Steps to Forgiveness

Can you really forgive anyone for anything?  My guest Lisa Gibson, Author of Releasing the Chains says "YES!"  No matter what the insult, betrayal or injury, you can forgive.  It truly comes down to the reasons why. 

So why would you want to forgive someone who has done you wrong? Especially after they have hurt you so deeply.  You couldn't possibly imagine "letting them off the hook." Although the pain may be very real, and all that you truly want is for the person to "pay for it."  It is important to understand that forgiveness is not for the "perpetrator," although that is a wonderful side effect;  forgiveness is for you.

How does forgiving another help you?  There are many wonderful benefits according to the Mayo Clinic " Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for compassion, kindness and peace. Forgiveness can lead to healthier relationships, greater spiritual and psychological well-being, less anxiety, stress and hostility, lower blood pressure, fewer symptoms of depression and lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse."

Physiological benefits are one way to reap the rewards of forgiveness.  However the spiritual benefits are tremendous.  Allowing peace, compassion and grace to enter your life have untold rewards.  In essence you are no longer allowing the actions of others to control you and in effect your future.  One of my favorite quotes regarding resentment and unforgiveness expresses the effects on your life. "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." — Malachy McCourt. 

Many believe that to forgive means that you accept the behavior, and or that you must reconcile.  This is not the case.  Reconciliation is something that can take place, if you choose.  However if there is a risk of continued injury then the relationship is better left dissolved.  The action of forgiveness in essence releases the chains that keep you stuck in negative, destructive thoughts and behaviors.

So how does one begin to forgive?  Author Lisa Gibson a conflict coach and attorney finds this approach to be very effective:

                                            Six Stages of Forgiveness

1. Identify the True Source of the Hurt of Pain - What am I really upset about?
2. Validate the Hurt - I have every right to feel this way because...
3. Grieve the Loss - Cry, yell or any other response you feel necessary.
4. Confront the Offender - In person (if it is safe) or by letter telling them how you feel.
5. Forgive - Decide to let to of the negative energy for good.
6. Let "Heavens Court" Provide the Justice - If the offender is non-repentant or you just can't seem to let go, hand it over to God/Heaven or whatever your beliefs are and leave any retribution to him/her. If you really want to go the extra mile, bless them and wish them well.

So an example of this process would be: Sally's co-worker who is also her friend, tells Sally's boss a lie that could cost Sally her job.  Sally is very upset at her co-worker and wants revenge.  Sally realizes that it is better to take the high road and decided to try to forgive her co-worker.  Sally identifies the source of her anger.  She feels betrayed and can no longer trust her co-worker. Sally acknowledges to herself that "Anyone in her position would feel the same way." Sally spends the next several weeks feeling the hurt, anger and disappointment.  Sally decides to speak with her co-worker and let her know how she was hurt.  Her co-worker seems truly sorry about what happened and explains that she was jealous and didn't mean to have everything turn out so seriously.  Sally decides to forgive her, but is having a hard time forgetting and cries still at the thought of it.  Sally realizes that she needs help letting go and asks God to take over.

This is just one example of many different scenarios that could play out.  The essence is that although it may seem impossible to forgive and move forward in your life, it can be as simple as taking that first step. The important part is that you do take a step.  What you will find is once you have made the decision to move forward, forgiveness is right around the corner.

If you would like to hear the full interview with Author Lisa Gibson visit our website at: http://passionandpurposeradio.com/archived-shows/

Six Simple Words That Can Save Your Marriage

"Honey, you're so good to me" are the words our recent guest Author Kimberly Pryor says can save your marriage.  But is it really that simple?  What do these words mean?  In essence what these words invoke are a version of a gratitude journal. 

Is being grateful really all that important to the health and well being of your marriage? According to popular psychology, "studies show that gratitude not only can be deliberately cultivated but can increase levels of well-being and happiness among those who do cultivate it. In addition, grateful thinking—and especially expression of it to others—is associated with increased levels of energy, optimism, and empathy."

In essence what Kimberly suggests is to create a relationship journal listing all of the qualities, actions and words of your partner and how they make you feel loved, cared for and appreciated.  Gratitude journals have been around for some time and are a wonderful way to "remind us" of the many things we have in our lives.  In addition gratitude journals help us to reflect on the life we have lived thus far and can be a catalyst for change in stagnant relationships. 

What if you relationship is stagnant, or worse on the brink of divorce? The most critical aspect of any relationship is communication.  Often times couples slowly start to drift apart, allowing children, family and friends to take precedence.  Before they know it, communication is centered around everyone else, leaving the health of the relationship in jeopardy.  Using the "six simple words" to start a journal can be a starting point.  Even if the only person who reads it is you.  Recognizing the reasons you fell in love with your partner and the qualities they possess are a great way to get back on the road to recovery. 

Once the words are written, they gain energy that can grow if cultivated.  Each time your partner does something you like or even love, write it down.  Each morning re-read the notes you have written until you have the courage to speak them aloud to your partner. If you are unable to speak them aloud, try writing them on a note and leaving it for your spouse to find.  You might be surprised at their response.  Very few couples take the time to honor each other, expecting that their partner "knows how I feel about them." Don't make the mistake of assumption, tell them how much they mean to you.

Maintaining a healthy relationship requires commitment, much like living a healthy lifestyle.  If you want to be fit, you must eat healthy and exercise.  If you want a vibrant relationship, you must nourish and cultivate it.  Keeping a relationship gratitude journal is a great place to start.


If you would like to hear the full interview with Author Kimberly Pryor visit our website at: http://passionandpurposeradio.com/archived-shows/

Is Procrastination Causing You to Fail Financially?

Procrastination is something we face on a regular basis.  We do it thinking it is harmless, however Tom Corley, Author of Rich Habits says it keeps us in a cycle of financial distress.  Tom shares that 92% of people who are considered "poor" procrastinate on a regular basis compared to only 25% of wealthy people.

Is that just a coincidence? Well, it stands to reason that the things we put off can eventually become forgotten.  In that case the success that would have come about due to the completion of the task, will not become a reality.  Some might say that it's okay to procrastinate on the little things as they have little to no value in regards to the success or well-being of their lives.  However, I have a belief that "the way you do anything, is the way you do everything."  If you are in the habit of putting things off, you will do so in matters that effect all aspects of your life, including your financial well being.

If procrastination can affect our financial well-being as well as other aspects of our life, then why do we do it? According to Doctors Burka and Yuen, authors of Procrastination, there are several reasons. 

1) Fear of Failure - When fear is a factor the core feeling or thought is that you are not good enough and may fail at the task. Naturally the easiest way to avoid failing would be to not complete the task or even start the task. 

2) Fear of Success - When fear is present once again it brings up thoughts of failure, however in this case the fear is that you can not duplicate the success that you had achieved previously.  Which becomes again a fear of failure.

3) Fear of Losing the Battle - The thought is that "If I fail" then that means I am a failure. This applies to not only the task, but all aspects of life.

4) The Comfort Zone - Who doesn't love to be comfortable? When a task is at hand, typically it will require a certain amount of effort and stretching ourselves mentally, physically and emotionally.  All aspects are at risk when taking on a new task.  So instead of risking our mental, physical and emotional comfort, the choice is to procrastinate.

These are just a few examples of the excuse we give ourselves.  Procrastination is the easy way out.  There are no expectations therefore no one gets hurt, or so we think.

Numbers don't lie. It can't be a coincidence that 92% of people considered "poor" procrastinate according to Thomas Corley, CPA.  Studies show that anyone who has less than  $5,000.00 in liquid assets and make less than $35,000.00 a year are considered poor. This accounts for 46.2 million Americans who currently live below the poverty line.  In addition 146.4 million households who are above the poverty line are on the precipice of poverty.  Onemajor event like an illness or loss of job would result in these families dropping below the poverty line. 

If you are above the poverty line but would like to insure that your progress is upwards financially, then you must consider changing some habits that are keeping you from success. The first being procrastination.

So how do we break the cycle of procrastination? One way Tom shared with our listeners is to use a strategy called "Do It Now."  Tom says that repeating the phrase "do it now" 100 times will cause you, if only out of aggravation, to complete the task right then. This will definitely cause you to become aware that you are in danger of procrastination, which could potentially risk your financial well-being.  That alone will make you want to complete the task.  In addition this process will cause you to break a "bad habit" and create a new strategy or "habit."

Understanding the reasons why you procrastinate and creating a "do it now" strategy will put you on the path towards success.  Knowledge is power and once you understand the motivators behind your procrastination you can choose which path you will take.  The choice is always yours, if you strive forward and fail, you have gained a greater understanding of who you are.  However it does not mean that you are a failure.  The only way to become a failure is to never try.


If you have any comments please feel free to share them below.  If you are interested in coaching options please visit our site at www.FloridaInstituteofPersonalDevelopment.com

If you would like to follow our Radio Show and receive weekly insights to Living Your Greatest Live Ever visit our site for upcoming guests and archives at www.PassionandPurposeRadio.com

Question:  What tips do you have that break the cycle of procrastination?

How to Turn a Tragedy into a Triumph!

So how does one turn a tragedy into a triumph?  It seems that most people take a tragic situation, and look for a silver lining but never really allow it to transform them.  My guest on last week's Show Marni Spencer-Devlin, shares how her life went from a tragic series of events, to a financial triumph, to selling it all to find her true happiness.

Her story inspired me to think about how often we allow our experiences to define us, especially when tragedy strikes and how we can, with the right choices bounce back. First let's look at the word Tragedy.  The dictionary defines it as:

An event causing great suffering, destruction, and distress, such as a serious accident, crime, or natural catastrophe.

A play dealing with tragic events and having an unhappy ending, esp. one concerning the downfall of the main character.

So what constitutes a tragedy? I believe a "tragedy" is relevant to the person who is experiencing it. What one person considers a tragedy, another considers it a trifle. For some it could be financial, others it may have been a personal loss, a series of bad decisions that led to an unhappy ending or even a blow from another. No matter where the experience derives from, it can be difficult to bounce back.  Feelings of anger, frustration and even hopelessness can ensue after a tragic event.

One of the first steps towards healing is to accept the situation as it occurred.  This does not mean that you agree with why it happened, it just means you accept that this was a part of your reality.  The next step would be to allow yourself to feel the emotions associated with the event.  So if you are angry, sad or frustrated, then express those emotions. You have every right to feel the way you do, anyone in your situation would feel the same way. Once you have expressed those emotions and validated your emotional response, its time to make a decision.  Am I  going to hold onto the feelings of Anger, Frustration or Helplessness?  Or do I choose to move forward in a direction that is uplifting?  If you responded with moving forward, then it's time to forgive.  Forgiveness does not mean that you forget, although it is best to release it fully. Forgiveness means to let go of... completely abandon.  Which is truly the best way to release the energy and move forward. 

Forgiveness isn't just for the "offender." If you have played a role in the situation, as often is the case, then you must be willing to forgive yourself for the part you played.  The knee jerk reaction is to say "I didn't do anything to deserve this" well, I have a belief that "nothing happens to us without our permission." There are cases of child abuse and rape that are the exception, however as an adult we play a bigger role in our tragedies than we may think.  What we believe about ourselves, on a subconscious level can play out in a myriad of ways.  One of the more common beliefs are feelings of unworthiness, which could lead to poor decision making in relationships, work and friendships.  If you have feelings of unworthiness, you may allow others to treat you in ways that are not very loving or supportive. More often than not, feelings of unworthiness keep you in unhealthy experiences, that repeat like a broken record. Sometimes the experience repeats with the same "offender" or the face simply may change. Either way if you keep experiencing the same type of "tragedies" then you have to look at the common denominator which is YOU.   When you allow yourself to play this part, you must also forgive your role in the experience.

What if you don't know how to forgive? One of the best ways I have learned to forgive is to create a forgiveness letter to each person you want to forgive.  List the things that happened, how it made you feel as well as your decision to forgive.  It's not an easy task.  I think I cried several times before I was able to finish my letters.  However the release that came along with it was well worth it.  Once you finish each letter, take them outside, read them out loud and burn them!  Allowing the ashes to be carried away in the wind will be a visual representation of your willingness to let go, and completely abandon it for good.  Then repeat the same steps in the forgiveness letter to yourself. 

How can you forgive yourself? Well, it looks something like this:  "I forgive myself for staying in that relationship, situation, etc., even though it was not good for me.  I didn't realized how loved I am and I now realize that I deserved better.  I will remember that I am loved completely should a situation like this ever come up again, and I will make decisions that support my life."  What you will come to realize through this process is that YOU make the choices that put you in any situation and you have the option to choose differently now.  Choice is a beautiful gift.  What I love about this exercise is that once you have written the letter, it is out of your mind, the energy is transferred to the paper, then then its transformed when you burn it!

Now your tragedy can be turned into something beautiful and empowering. One of the best ways to help transform a lesson into a life changer is to affirm your new belief.  An affirmation looks something like this: I need not add anything to myself, I am complete as I am and I make decisions for my life that support me and my life mission!  The power is in the choice. Choosing to take a tragedy and turn it into a triumph is a gift that will have a ripple effect in all aspects of your life. There is a saying "the way you do anything is the way you do everything." The choice is yours.

Experiences in life can take on a whole new meaning if you understand how to transform them.  Be thankful for your experiences as they reveal to you the hidden beliefs that keep you from the life you want to live.  Your life is yours to create however you choose.  Not by your old restraints, but safe in the knowledge that your experiences need not define you, if you choose they can refine you!

If you are ready to release the past and move towards the life you deserve, then take these first steps of acknowledging the past, validate your emotional response, decided to forgive, take your lesson and turn that tragedy into a triumph!

For coaching options visit: http://www.floridainstituteofpersonaldevelopment.com/
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 Question: Do you have a tragedy to triumph story?  Please share, give your feedback or comments by clicking the comment box.



How Changing Your Habits Can Make You Rich

Can changing your habits really make you rich?  Our recent guest  on Passion and Purpose Radio Thomas Corley author of Rich Habits says" Yes."  Tom is a Certified Public Accountant, Certified Financial Planner and Wealth Manager who has studied his wealthy clients and believes he struck gold by learning their habits.

Let's look at what constitutes a Habit. The dictionary defines a Habit as a recurrent, often unconscious pattern of behavior that is acquired through frequent repetition. It further defines a habit as an established disposition of the mind or character. 

Accepting the definition is just the beginning, now that we know that most habits are unconscious, How do we know we are doing it? How much of our daily life is spent in "unconscious patterns of behavior?"  Can you remember everything you did yesterday?  Or even today for that matter. Have you ever driven somewhere and once you arrived, you can't remember most of the drive?  It's a frightening thing to think about. 

So if much of our life is spent purely by habit, it might be a good idea to figure out which ones work to help improve our lives and which ones don't.   According to Tom, the habits we learn when we are young stay with us, maybe even haunt us.  So what do you do when a "habit" no longer serves you?  One way to change it is to "reinvent" the habit says Tom.  In coaching we call this re framing.  This is done by taking a behavior, thought, or habit and create a new version of the habit that is more supportive or basically just do the opposite of the habit you want to change.  For instance, if Sally has a smoking habit and wants to quit, she would need to "reinvent" her habit so she can be smoke free. Then she needs to follow her new habit with an affirmation.  The affirmation sounds something like this... Today I choose to breath clean air, I only feed my body with things that will support a healthy lifestyle.  Sally would need to repeat this affirmation  and action daily for at least 21 days to create a new habit, which is the widely accepted time frame for making new habits stick.

Now that you get the process of how to "reinvent" a habit, you have the option to start with any aspect of your life.  If you desire more money, then you must start with some new habits and reinvent old ones.  Tom says that his wealthy clients seemed to have the same type of habits. Those being reinvention, goal setting, engaging in self improvement and exercise just to name a few.  These wealthy habits have withstood the test of time and seem to yield results for his clients. 

Wealth may be first on the list of many, however there are many aspects of life where we could use a little reinvention.  What about your relationships? Your health? Your peace of mind?  Where does one start?  My suggestion would be to start with a list of the areas in your life you would like to "reinvent." One by one go down the list and rate each item on a scale of 1-10 of importance.  One being not so important to change right now and 10 being very important.  This will give you a starting place to reinvent areas of your life.  Once you have your priorities, take one or two at a time and start with defining what the "opposite" is of the habit you want to change. Make a commitment to yourself to follow this new habit for at least 21 days and make sure you write it down and speak your affirmations daily. That's it, simple yet effective.

What's interesting is that when one area of your life changes, other areas follow. Good luck to you and as they say in the Hunger Games... May the odds be ever in you favor! 


For Coaching Options visit: Florida Institute of Personal Development
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IS KEEPING UP WITH THE JONESES HOLDING YOUR HAPPINESS HOSTAGE?

Are you trying to keep up with the Joneses? Who are the Joneses anyway?  It's a funny saying however this phrase is a reality for most of us living in the "material world."  We can't help but buy in to the madness of having the biggest, best and the newest.  The media bombards us with images of a life most would trade their eye teeth to experience.  Of course we all want to live a life of abundance, however how we go about it can create a life of lack.  The exact opposite of that which we desire. 

This topic came about through my show, Passion and Purpose Radio .  Guest author, Dora Nudleman shared her insights on how to live a life for your own fulfillment instead of trying to "keep up with the Joneses." She shared with our listeners the importance of knowing WHAT you want and WHY you want it, and how getting to the why of it all would reveal the truth to the desire.  She suggests you ask yourself if your desire is one that would bring your life more fulfillment or is it a desire to keep up with the "Joneses." Sounds simple right?  Well, it actually is that simple. Is what you want a representation of something that would bring you more peacefulness, joy or excitement? If it is then you are on the path to a more fulfilling life.  If however your response to "why" is that it would improve your status then you are "keeping up with the Joneses." 

It's only natural to want to live the life you dream of, however your happiness may be held hostage if your self esteem is tied to those dreams.  So how does one live the life they dream of and not let self esteem be the motivator?  One way is to seek experiences that are not "material" in nature, ones that will bring more fulfillment into your life.  Living your passions is a great way to fill your life with things that matter most.  My last blog discusses this very topic.  If you don't know what your  passions are, I have a great e-workbook coming out in September 2012 that can help you connect with your passions and purpose.

For those of you who are already there, living your passions but haven't seen a change in your "material world,"  don't give up hope.  All it takes is a minor adjustment in your thought patterns.  Let's start with purposeful thinking.  Yes, you can learn to think on purpose. Actually, you already have a purpose for your thoughts, you just don't realize it.  Our thoughts, feelings and actions all have a purpose. Either you are seeking pleasure or avoiding pain.  You may say, "same thing" but the reality is it is NOT the same.  You see there are two different energies associated with each purpose.  One is fear driven (avoiding pain) and one is love driven (seeking pleasure).

The law of attraction teaches, the energy you emit draws to it things that are of the same nature.  The best analogy would be a magnet.  If you are a "fear" magnet, then more fear based thoughts will be drawn to you. Thoughts of unworthiness, envy, despair, anger, etc.  So in a situation where you envision your "dream life" you will have thoughts that are either fear based (unworthy) or love based (worthy).  If you believe deep down you are unworthy, then you will unconsciously sabotage your efforts.  Procrastination is an indication that you may have feelings of unworthiness.

When you see an image of something beautiful, or desirable what feeling does it invoke?  Is it excitement, pleasure, peacefulness? When the feeling arises, then the mind reacts one of two ways.  Either a thought process begins to create actions that would allow you to experience that desire or thoughts of despair, envy and disappointment unfold.  The interesting thing is the path your "mind" chooses will determine your destination. 

The process goes something like this... Thought - Feeling About Thought - Action or Inaction.  In order to change the results, you must decide to think a new, more supportive thought! That new more supportive thought will create a new feeling (energy) and you will take actions that will support achieving your desires. 

Go ahead, give it a try.  Think of an area in your life you are not very pleased with.  Now ask yourself how it makes you feel.  Then ask yourself what action or inaction's have taken place because of this thought. Ask yourself, what is another way I can see this situation/experience? Another interpretation?  How do I feel about this new interpretation? What will I do now that I feel differently about this? How you interpret your experiences will determine your actions, which in turn determines your future.

Now that you have this new tool to use, take a chance at living a life more attuned with your desires.  Watch your thoughts, catch them if they are not pleasing and choose a more supportive one.  Don't forget that in order to create new situations you must do things differently!  So to heck with the Joneses,  it's your life, your future, think on purpose and enjoy your creations!

To find out how you can connect with your passions and purpose or how to live a more abundant life, visit my website for coaching options www.FloridaInstituteofPersonalDevelopment.com

Question:  Are you living life for your own fulfillment or are you trying to keep up with the Joneses?